30kisses Nu#11. Why ask when you can take? (Your sad smile will guide my heart, part 1)

[manaika]

No.: 11
Name: Your sad smile will guide my heart, part 1
Author: manaika
Series: Hakuoki
Pairing: Shinpachi/Sanosuke
Rating: younger teens, I guess.
Warnings: spoilers for the end of season one, angst, cursing, relationship troubles, sad bishies.
Summary: Made for 30kisses, list Nu/acquisition. #11. Sometimes foolish decisions can ruin your life, but make it so there won’t be regrets.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hakuoki, or any of it’s characters. The creators do. My muse owns the idea of the fic, myself the work and the time I put into writing it. Credit me at least those, ok?

Notes
Jo is a wooden training staff. Similar to what a boken is to a katana, the Jo is to the spear.

Set after the Abura-Kouji incident, during episode 11.


Your sad smile will guide my heart, part 1
#11. Why ask when you can take?


Things hadn’t been going good lately.

That was all Harada Sansouke could think, when he looked at his lover of a year and half, standing there in his room, hands crossed on his chest, a frown on his face. The recent events of the Abura Kouji incident were really unfortunate for the Shinsengumi...and for their relationship.

„About the rasetsu...how long do we plan on using them?“

It was all about this again. And just after everything has settled down too.

„I’m not saying I wanted Heisuke to die...“

It was Heisuke all over again. Heisuke against them. Heisuke at their side. Heisuke dieing. Heisuke drinking ochimizu. Not that Sano didn’t understand Shinpachi. His lover was strictly against the use of ochimizu, and Sano was inclined to feel similary. What it did to people...what it turned them into...

„But there’s always a chance you get killed when you go killing others. But we aren’t even allowed to die here!“

To say, for Shinpachi Heisuke drinking ochimizu was unmeassurably worse than Heisuke dieing.
It was really annoying.
Sano couldn’t hear it anymore. It was like they went back by half a year, when Heisuke left for the imperial mausoleum guard and Shinpachi’s world was resolving sorely around him, Sano forgotten.
It wasn’t fair.

„I understand how you feel, but Heisuke decided to become a rasetsu of his own free will.“ He said while trying to distract himself with inspecting his spear.

Shinpachi had a serious problem with accepting the kid’s decisions. Especially if those decisions weren’t involving him. Sano wasn’t fool enough to think it would change, but he at least hoped Shinpachi would realize how...thoughtless it was of him and be more considerate.

„So what?“

Wishfull dream.

„Sano, don’t tell me you’re alright with that messed up unit!“

Of course not!

„No.“ But this wasn’t about that damn unit at all. This was about them, Heisuke and Shinpachi’s confused feelings. Even if his lover tried to deny it the best he could. „But it’s not my place to decide whether it’s right or wrong.“ He looked away. One day, they would have to face the truth. One day he would have to face his real feeling towards Heisuke. And Sano dreaded that day. Because he didn’t dare to guess what those feelings were.

„Screw that!“ With those final words, Shinpachi stormed out of his room, probably heading for some sake stand, to contemplate that a dead Heisuke would be better than a rasetsu one. Sano felt disgusted with himself as he was inclined to agree. That kid was nothing but trouble. Without even trying.

Sano watched Shinpachi’s retreating back untill it disappeared behind a corner.

„I wish I could get as upset about it as you...“ he muttered quietly to himself and put down the spear. Because for him, it just simply testified that Shinpachi’s heart was split in half and things were not yet decided. And he prefered to know about these things rather than run away from them.


ox*xo


This was why he had always prefered woman. Woman were easier to deal with, more understanding, and just as mysterious and satisfying. Men were...too much like onseself, too hot-headed and spontaneous, always hurried to act.
He could kinda understand Kondo-san, when he frowned disapprovingly upon male relationships in the Shinsengumi. Their captain didn’t have anything against the principle of it, he worried because of the possible outcomes. When a woman was hurt, she attacked the feelings of the one that hurt her. A warrior could swallow that. When a man was hurt, he attacked the body, venting the feelings with punches, untill he couldn’t anymore, or untill his oponent bled out. Which was something the Shinsengumi could not afford.

Come to think of it, Sano hadn’t been to Shimabara in a while. Since he’d gotten together with Shinpachi, to be exact. Not that he had something against free love, but never when he was being serious. And what he had with Shinpachi was serious. Or had been. He wasn’t sure anymore. Not with Shinpachi acting like that.
And to be honest, he missed it a little – the softness of a woman’s body udnerneath him, the velvety heat enveloping him,...

And so eight at dusk found him standing at the gates of Shimabara.


ox*xo


Shinpachi always thought that Sano’s smile was sad. Not his smirk with the sparkling eyes, or the grinn with the twisted gleam in them, but his smile. The truest smile Harada Sanosuke had was the one that didn’t reach his eyes. Or rather the eyes reflected the sadness of that smile. He had asked Sano once why it was so sad, and the answer he recieved was the customary „Happiness comes to those that smile.“
He didn’t ask after that.
Perhaps there was a story behind it, one that was painfull to remember. Shinpachi knew for a fact that Sano’s life was full of such stories. He wanted to know more, but he never could find the courage to ask. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt Sano...or he as afraid what he would hear.

And yet he found himself drawn to that man, like a mott to a flame and he wasn’t so sure that he wouldn’t get burned. Harada Sanosuke was a dangerous man. But also very gentle and kind. The first time Shinpachi had laid eyes on him, when he entered the small dojo back at Edo and he had been there, training with his Jo, moving with the grace of a wild lion, Shinpachi knew that was it. That was the one. Love at first sight. Now if only the speaer wielder would see it the same way. He wasn’t even sure how he had managed it.
And now he had that love for him, he had what he wanted, finally they were together and yet look at him. Here he was, drinking sake in the courtyard, alone, after he had been out in the city for some, alone, sulking about what was supposed to be long dead history, alone, instead of just being with the love of his life.

Because Heisuke was a brat.

„Heisuke decided it of his own free will.“

Then he didn’t like Heisuke’s own free will. Even though he wasn’t sure why.

Because it didn’t count him in?

What the hell...
He sighed. Maybe Sano was right. Maybe he should finally accept the decisions made by that kid. Heisuke had no reason to consult him. And Shinpachi had even less reason to demand it from him. He should grow up. He should finally stop moping and get a good shack with Sano. All he ever wanted after all, was for the red-head to notice him. And now he wasn’t noticing the red-head, for someone who noticed him back then. The sheer irony made him laugh.
He stood up. It was time to put an end to it. Sano was the one he wanted, the one he even had and he knew he hadn’t been a good lover lately. It was time to change it.
He went to the room of his lover and tapped the frame three times.

„Sano?“

No answer.

„Sano?“ he asked louder this time and slid the door open.

The room was empty.


ox*xo


Sano was whistling quietly to himself as he returned to the headquarters. He was still within curfew, so it was alright. He felt refreshed and sated and light, like a giant weight had been lifted of his body. The girl he had been with had been one of his frequent visits, before he got together with Shinpachi. A nice creature with impossibly long legs and many tricks up her expensive sleeve. Needless to say, this was the first good night he had since Abura Kouji.
But after he turned the corner to his room, it turned into something horrible.

Shinpachi was there.

Sitting at the porch.

Looking at him.

-x-

To be honest, Shinpachi didn’t know what he should be expecting as he didn’t find his lover in the room. Sano didn’t tell him that he had something to do and they weren’t on patrol. Of course there were many possibilities and for the better part of the hour he kept waiting for Sano, Shinpachi thought about them all.

But as Sano turned the corner, all of Shinpachi’s questions were answered.

He read it in Sano’s look and in the dopey smile that fell as his eyes met with Shinpachi’s.

It was like a sword into his back.

„Where were you?“ he asked, despite knowing the answer. He needed to hear it.
„Shinpachi, what are you doing here?“
Shinpachi stood up and approached Sano, a small, fake smile playing on his features.
„I thought I could be a good lover to you.“
It was almost funny to watch how the fearless Harada Sanosuke took a step back.
„Make it up to you, you know. I know I was an ass lately. I wanted to apologize and show you how much I love you.“

Sano looked like he was about to turn on his heel and run. Shinpachi grasped his wrist and saphire eyes bored themselves into golden. They were close now, their breath was mingling, their noses were barely touching and Shinpachi could smell the scent of betrayal in Sano’s clothes. He practically reeked of brothel.
„Where were you?“ he asked again, the fake smile gone.
„I...“ Sano’s eyes were wide and Shinpachi could feel him trembling.
„Where?!“ he demanded.
He saw Sano gulp. „Shimabara.“

One word.

One weak whisper.

Shinpachi turned and ran.

-x-

No matter how Sano wanted to run after him, he couldn’t. He was frozen to the spot. He had not expected this. As he saw Shinpachi waiting for him, on his porch, it had been like a bucket of cold water poured over him. And as he heard the reason why his lover was waiting it was like a stab in the heart. He wanted to get angry, he wanted to shout at Shinpachi that it was his dman fault, but he couldn’t. The guilt as he saw the expression on the handsom face was too strong. He couldn’t but answer the demand, confirm what Shinpachi already knew, feeling that he owed him as much honesty. And the expression of utter betrayal...

Shinpachi had trusted him.

And when he was put to a test, Sano betrayed him.

He felt sick.

He knew he should go after Shinpachi, but he wasn’t sure if he could face him. With a heavy sigh he went inside his room and slid the door shut. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day. Maybe Shinpachi would have calmed down untill then and they could talk.
With a heavy heart Snao laid down and closed his eyes.

He didn’t sleep for a single moment.


ox*xo


To give him some credit, he tried. He tried to talk and apologize to Shinpachi in the morning, but the other male just turned around and left when Sano opened his mouth. That had been a few days ago. And since then he hadn’t done a single thing to win Shinpachi back. Because Sano was sure he lost him. And probably to Heisuke.
Things weren’t going great.
At least his ksills weren’t dropping, he noted ironically as he did another turn and hit an imaginary oponent into the head with his Jo, but was stopped by a boken and indigo eyes watching him intently.
„Saito...“
„Your form is leaking despair.“
Sano dislodged his Jo from Saito’s boken and took an aim for the man’s chest, but before he could thrust, the tip of the red wood was pointing at his neck.
„And you are off guard.“
With a sigh Sano stepped back and they bowed to each other.

„Did you want something?“

He asked when they were sitting next to each other, just outside the training room.

„Sano.“ Saito started right off. „For many seasons now, you have been a good friend to me.“

Really? To say the leats, Sano was surprised. He had no idea that the bluenett viewed him as such.

„When I needed advice, I knew I could always count on you.“

That was at least true. But Saito wasn’t the only one. People somehow always asked him for advice.

„So I came now to offer some.“

Huh?

„I know you are a wise man, with the heart at the right place, so people naturally come to you, when they have a problem. It makes me wonder where do you go, when your heart is troubled.“
For some it would be weird to hear such words pass the stoic male’s lips, but Sano knew better. Saito was a deep person. And he was very much capable of saying cheesy words. But out of his mouth, they never sounded cheesy. Rather, they resonated in your soul.
He looked away.
„Most of the time I can come up with something on my own.“ Was his answer.
Saito read righ through him as he asked: „And now?“

Sano didn’t answer.

„Sano, I know I’m not good at giving advice. That I know how to give a good explanation doesn’t propose that. But it still pains me to watch you mourn like that. You should talk to him.“

Sano snorted. „So I take it everyone knows.“

„You’re hardly subtle. And I’m Shinpachi’s neighbour.“

Of course, Sano remembered.

„Sucks to be you then.“

Saito ignored the sardonic tone.

„I don’t know your reasons and it’s hardly my place to judge you, but I have to say it surprised me. I never saw you as the cheating type.“
„Never thought I am one, either.“
„You probably had your reasons and I doubt that Shinpachi was innocent in it, though I admit that I don’t know the story. You both made mistakes and you paid the price. But you shouldn’t let them destroy what you two had.“
„That’s easier said than done. I tried Saito, I tried. Kami knows I tried to approach him.“ Suddenly Sano felt, what he thought he wouldn’t feel in this case: Anger. He felt it grow and well up inside him very suddenly. And before he knew it, he was barking at Saito. „And he just turned away, playing the kicked puppy!“ he slammed down his fist onto the wooden surface of the porch so hard it cracked. Saito just watched. „I’m sick of this, I’m sick of him! It’s his fault, either way! Do you know what I’ve been going through for last three seasons?! Since Heisuke left, to a few days ago, all of what left Shinpachi’s mouth was his name! I’m not someone who’s letting that happen!“

„So rather than talking about it, you decide to cheat on him.“

„What the hell do you know?!!!“

„Nothing.“

This made Sano stop mid breath. He felt all of the anger pour out of him, as he heard Saito speak, a dull ache taking place in his chest.
„I don’t know anything about love and relationships, but I know you and I know Shinpachi and I know what you two mean to each other.“ He hesitated. „And I know for sure that you have absolutely no need to be jealous of Heisuke.“

Sano’s eyes widened. Jealous? Was it really...?

„You might not be aware of this, but the first time, Shinpachi saw you...I haven’t been there to see it with my own eyes, but Okita told me and later Heisuke confirmed it. They said that,...“

„The first time Shinpa-san laid his eyes on Sano-san, it was like a a peasant spotted a god he wanted to worship for the rest of his life. Too bad that sano-san didn’t notice him at all.“

„Shinpa-san always looked at Sano-san like he was the only man in the room, hell, in the entire world. It’s a pity that Sano-san never really saw that.“

Sano looked at Saito in awe. The ache in his chest was unbearable.
„Personally, I think that the main reason why he started taking his meals at the dojo back then, was you. He always wanted to be close to you.“
„It’s...really curious. I don’t even remeber how we first met. The first I rememeber of him is that he challenged me to a fight. A training session of course. What I rememeber the most is, that he knew I use a spear. Not many bothered to rememeber untill I showed the Jo it into their face.“

„He wanted to know more of you.“

Sano nodded.
„After that he invited me to sake. I accepted. We’ve been buddies since then.“ His chest felt like exploading from the pain.

„He wanted only you.“

Yeah, Sano finally saw that, as bits and pieces of the years spent together with Shinpachi started to sink in. Their conversations, their fights, their friendship...
„He has been courting me...“ Sano laid a hand on his face, the loss finally dawning on him. „And I ruined it...I betrayed his trust...“
„It’s not late yet. You still can go and talk.“
„He won’t listen!“
„Then make him!“

It was rarely that Saito raised his voice, but the effect was enormous. It woke the dead from their stupor, even if it was barely an octave higher than usually.

„You are giving up without a fight!“

Sano could just stare. But damn it, if Saito wasn’t right! Damn this whole mess! Damn that dull ache! Damnit all and damn him if he just sat here and didn’t do a thing about it!

He nodded. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life regretting what he ruined without trying to rebuild it.
„Yeah. Fuck, shit, you’re so right.“
Saito heaved a relieved sigh.
Sano looked at him. „You were so right...In everything. I’ve been jealous, haven’t I? And I didn’t even notice. That’s...just ridiculous. So ridiculous it’s sad.“
He was surprised to hear a chuckle leave Saito.
„You’re finally being more yourself.“ The male turned serious again. „What are you going to do now?“
„Well, I can’t leave it like this, can I? I’ll try to talk to him again. I want that idiot back, damnit!“
„And if he refuses?“
„Then I’ll just have to deal, huh? Can’t mope my life away. Happiness comes to those that smile, after all.“
Saito smiled.

„That’s right.“ Saito’s hand went into his pocket and withdrew a small object, hanging on a thin thread. He gave it to Sano. „Here.“
Sano eyed it. „What’s this?“
„It’s a good luck charm. It was of good service to me, now it might help you.“
Sano raised an eyebrow at him, but Saito remained stoic.
„I want to help a friend.“

Sano nodded at him.

„Thanks. Even if you say, you aren’t good at giving advice, you helped a lot.“

„Oh, I’ve been just through my fair share of male relationships. I speak of expierience, nothing more.“

Sano looked at him blankly. „I do not want to know.“

And they both burst out laughing.


ox*xo


It was easier said than done, though. Even if the conversation with Saito helped a lot and Sano felt the spark of determination in him again, there was still this nagging guilt inside of him that made it really hard to look into Shinpachi’s eyes. He even went for a fee cups of sake to pour himself some courage, but as he stood in front of Shinpachi’s room, in the dead of the night, clutching the charm in his pocket, he felt rather like he needed to empty his bladder with all the sake in it.

Ah hell! He was not going to piss his pants because Shinpachi was being a drama queen!
He raised his fist and knocked.

No answer.

„Shinpa-san is training.“

He spun around to come face to face with Heisuke.

Since the kid turned into a rasetsu he had this wicked pleasure of appearing behind one from nowhere. Sano hated it. He would have complained to Heisuke, but now he had other things to worry about.

„Training? This late?“

Heisuke nodded. „He had been doing that since...“ he trailed off, not wanting to finish the snetence. There was no need to either way. „He can’t sleep, you know.“
Sano blinked. Was it just him, or did the kid look really...sad?
„It was me, wasn’t it?“
Sano’s eyes widened slightly. Could it be that Heisuke actually had a clue?
„It was my fault that you two broke up, wasn’t it?“
Sano shook his startlement off. No. He can’t let Heisuke blame himself for something that was entirely Sano’s own fault.
„Heisuke, you must be misinformed. I was the one who cheated on Shinpachi, not he on me.“
„Yeah, but the reason was me, wasn’t it? He was going on about me, like a broken record, wasn’t he? He was neglecting you.“
„But that’s Shinpachi’s damn problem, not yours. He has to learn to accept that you are an adult responsible for your own actions and life and that it’s not something he can control. You don’t have to let him in on anything. You don’t owe him a bloody thing. If anything, he owes you.“

Heisuke didn’t say anything.

Something occured to Sano.

„Heisuke, why did you leave?“

The grown-up kid just looked at him.

„I want to hear the truth.“

Heisuke sighed.
„Several reasons, I suppose. And if you’re asking if it had to do anything with you and Shinpa-san being together...Maybe. I don’t know, honestly. See, the only thing I knew were the Shinsengumi. You are all a bunch of fine guys, really, but...I wanted something to compare, perhaps. I wanted something new. At least I kept telling that myself. Maybe I was just tired of seeing the same things every day, the same faces, the same scenes...you two kissing under the first sakura bloom...“
„You loved him, didn’t you?“
Heisuke shook his shoulders. „Does it matter? He always loved only you. But if he could spare me a few moments of fooling around, I was content with that. But it seems I messed your love-life up with it. I’m sorry.“
„Don’t be. It’s Shinpachi’s fault for not knowing what he wants.“
„But we both know that he wants you. Maybe I left because I wanted to be happy for the two of you.“
„Heisuke...“
The kid snorted. „Now look what it turned into. It backfired some bad.“

Sano smiled ruefully.

Heisuke watched him for a moment.

„ARGH!!!“ Sano looked at him startled at the sudden outburst. „I’m fucking sick of this!“
Before Sano could inquire, he was seized by the arm and dragged away.


ox*xo


Suddenly Sano found himself being thrown inside the training room.

„There’s someone here who wants to talk with you!“ Heisuke shouted at the stupified Shinpachi. „Clear it out, so we all can breathe again!“

With that he stomped of.

The two of them just looked at each other for a long time.
Then, without an other word, Shinpachi ressumed his training.
Sano stood up, his chest oddly constricted.

„We need to talk.“

Shinpachi didn’t say anything.

„I...“ Many times Sano had thought about what to say to Shinpachi once he stood in front of him and he just couldn’t come up with the right words, but now that he was here and opened his mouth, the words just poured out of him. „I was jealous. You were acting like Heisuke was the center of the world and I was left, cast aside, like some dirty rag. I know I should have told you like I did last time and not go to the first Geiko I could think of, but I can’t undo it now, can I? I’m sorry, but I can’t! All I can do is to beg you for forgiveness and ask you to understand me, at least a little.“ Shinpachi didn’t say anything, just continued training, the cuts in the air becoming more and more sharp. „I understand you are upset, I know it was wrong of me, but I still want you back! At least...at least tell me what I can do to...to get you back, at least...at least look at me when I’m talking, damnit!“
Suddenly there was a quick, sharp movement and another tip of red wood was pointed at his neck, saphire eyes glaring at him.
Sano’s breath hitched.

„Please, Shinpachi...“

He carefully stepped around the wooden training tool and came to sand directly in front of his...really, what was Shinpachi to him now? He didn’t think it mattered. What mattered was, what he wanted them to be.
Slowly, tentatively he leaned forward, untill their lips were brushing in a gentle kiss.
For a moment it looked like Shinpachi was going to lean into the touch of his lips and return the kiss, but that was when Sano found himself on the ground of the training room, pushed away by those strong arms that used to hold him so gently, Shinpachi staring at him with a disgusted look on his face.
„You are such a fucking slut!“
He was, wasn’t he?
Before Sano could contemplate upon that fact, he was seized up and dragged outside, again.

„Come!“

People really had it with dragging him somewhere and then throwing him on the ground, he couldn’t stop from thinking, as he hit the grass of their compound, several moments later.

„Now take a look!“

Shinpachi’s voice was harsh as he said it, full of supressed emotions. Sano took a notice of his surroundings. They were at one of the yards of their headquarters. Why did Shinpachi bring him here?
He raised an eyebrow at the brunett and Shinpachi pointed his figer to what was before them.

„There!“

Sano looked. It was their flag, the Shinsengumi flag proudly rippling over them in the gentle night breeze. For some reason, Sano felt even worse than before.

„What does it read?!“

Sano looked down, didn’t answer. Shinpachi forced his head up by pulling his hair. It hurt, but it was nothing, nothing compared to the hurt that was in his...and in Shinpachi’s heart.

„What does it read?!“ Shinpachi demanded again.

„Sincerity.“ Sano whispered.

„Yeah. And do you know what that means?! Truth! Honesty! Be a honest warrior, be a honest man!!!“

Shinpachi let go of him and Sano had to hold himself upright on his arms, his body no longer able to support it’s weight. He felt so tired... He had hurt Shinpachi so much...
His lover, was he still?, screamed in frustration and a fist connected with Sano’s shoulder in a fit of rage. Sano didn’t budge an inch. This was how men vented their anger, after all. And since Sano was the source of this hurt, he would offer his body for the punching bag, if it made Shinpachi feel better. Maybe then they could talk.
But the next blow never came. The fist against his back trembled. And the next words was something he didn’t think would hear.

„I know it’s my fault.“

Sano turned his head in shock. But it was an even greater shock for him to see tears fighting their way out of tightly shut eyes.
„I know...I haven’t been fair to you. Of course I should have known...it would hurt you. And you...you always prefered woman, you told me so...“
„It still wasn’t right to cheat. I also wasn’t fair to you. Instead of talking...“
„But you did! You did talk. You tried to bring me to reason.“
„But I never told you my feelings.“

Shinpachi’s hand was cold on his shoulder. It meant he was angry. But it seemed that this time he was aiming his anger at himself.

„I’m sorry.“ They both said in unison and their eyes met.

And for a single moment, things were like they were before.

„Shinpachi...“ Sano started, but was cut off.
„I need time. I am a possessive person, I can’t forgive you so easily. I need time to think it through.“
Without waiting for an answer, Shinpachi left.
Sano looked at the flag, his fingers carressing his lips. Shinpachi had pushed him away. He needed time.

But they didn’t have time, did they, he thought to himself as he heard gunshots in the distance.


*-ox*xo-*-ox*xo-*-ox*xo-*-ox*xo-*


AN: The last scene was supposed to be a hint to the anime scene where Souji drinks ochimizu to avenge Kondo-san, but it doesn’t have to be strictly seen that way, since Kondo-san didn’t have an ounce of appearence in this shot. I think that hearing a gunshot in the dead of the night wasn’t so uncommon those days, so it should be ok.



Previous parts are HERE