Price of your Heart - Nu #22: Knowledge equals profit (Being a child, becoming a man)

[manaika]

No.: 22
Name: Being a child, becoming a man
Author: manaika
Series: Hakuoki
Pairing: Shinpachi/Sanosuke
Rating: Adult audience, or mature teens, M
Warnings: graphic sex between two males, but older teens with...expierience should be able to handle it. But due to the adult content, it’s community locked. Role reversal shot, meaning that Sano tops this time. Slight cursing.
Summary: If someone, who left your life, is still haunting you, will the one you love be able to help you?

Disclaimer: I do not own Hakuoki, or any of it’s characters. The creators do. My muse owns the idea of the fic, myself the work and the time I put into writing it. Credit me at least those, ok?

Notes

I'm not so sure about this, but I like it...kinda... Review and tell me if you did, ok?


Set between Heisuke’s leave and Abura-Kouji.


Being a child, becoming a man
#22. Knowledge equals profit.

---------*

Almost a year has passed since that night. The night of bright stars, good sake and the beginning of their relationship. In short: It had been 8 months since Shinpachi fucked Sano silly. And Sano still hasn’t gotten his payback. Not that they never had sex after, no, on the contrary: They had plenty of sex. It was just that, no matter how many times they fought for it and no matter how many times he won, Sano always found himself on the recieving end. And all because Shinpachi used dirty tricks to get what he wanted. If Sano didn’t know better, he would say that Shinpachi was afraid of succumbing to him. Which he had no reason to, given Sano’s vaste expierience in this field.

Speakin’o’ich, maybe he could talk Shinpachi into it and get him out of his gloomy mood. He was hanging around like some lifeless ghost since Heisuke left a few days ago. Seriously, what was it with his boyfriend in everything that concerned that kid? It was as if he thought he needed to protect Heisuke from everything evil in this world. Even though from all the shinsengumi, he knew the best, that kid could take care of himself.
Seriously, all Sano heard was „Damn that Heisuke, damn that Heisuke, damn that Heisuke and damn that Heisuke.“ And honestly, he was getting tired of it. Shinpachi’s attention that used to belong to him for eight months straight, went to someone who wasn’t even among them anymore.

To be honest, it pissed Sano off.

Yes, he understood it. Yes, he gave his lover enough space to mourn, no matter what little reason he had for it, since the brat was probably doing great. But somewhere, there was a line that hinted the border between endless patience and blind tolerance and Sano seriously pondered if he hadn’t crossed it already, without noticing.

Shinpachi was his boyfriend, damnit.

Alright, yes, he and Heisuke have been screwing for months before he came around, Sano knew it and acknowledged it, fine. What was most deffinitely not fine was, that even thought they weren’t screwing anymore and Shinpachi belonged to Sano now, he thought of him constantly, in these past days. What reason was there to mope for an ex-boyfriend who left to become a man, Sano did not know. One would almost think it was more something to celebrate. Only Shinpachi acted like it was the end of the world. But as Sano found him one night in his room, looming over a white hairband that could have belonged only to one person, lost and forgotten, Sano decided, it was just enough.

„Shinpachi!“ Shinpachi looked up at him. „What are you doing there?“
„Oh, Sano. Yo. Nothing. Just a bit reminiscing.“
Something deep inside of Sano snapped.
He seized Shinpachi by the collar of his kataginu and forcefully pulled him up.

„Snap out of it you moron!“

Shinpachi gave him a look of utter bewilderment. Seriously, he hadn’t expected Sano to blow up.
Sano sighed and let go of Shinpachi, regaining the control over himself. As Sano let him go, Shinpachi fell flat on his ass, in shock over his boyfriend’s outburst even forgetting to regain his composure. Sano kneeled down to him and looked deep into his azure, almost child-like eyes.
„I understand, you miss Heisuke. It’s alright, really. You want to reminisce, fine. But among that reminiscence, aren’t you forgetting something?“
Shinpachi didn’t answer, just continued to stare at him.
„What about me?“
Shinpachi still didn’t answer.
„All I hear from your lips are ’damn’ and ’Heisuke’ in various combinations. What about my name?“
Shinpachi stayed silent.

„I feel forgotten.“

„Sano...“

That was as far as Shinpachi came as Sano kissed him.

-x-

For a while, the stunned Shinpachi couldn’t do anything, but sit there in shock and startlement. But as he felt thos lips move against his, the tongue demanding entrance, he found himself complying. He felt himself being gently pushed backwards, untill his back met the soft fabric of the mattress. And he still didn’t do anything. The sudden dominance that Sano showed, threw him off and he felt helplessly caught. Trapped.
Not that Shinpachi didn’t know how dominant Sano could be, he had showed it to him not once, but Shinpachi had never let him. Because he was afraid. No matter how much it stung to admit it, it was true: he was afraid. He knew that Sano would never intentionally hurt him, he knew how expierienced he was, but whenever Sano would win a fight and land over Shinpachi, a sudden wave of distress would hit him and he would pull something that would make Sano land on his backside and Shinpachi would take him, not accepting any of the protests.

But now...

Now was something completely else. The way Sano held him, touched him, kissed him, made something deep inside him break. He found that if he rolled them over now, it wouldn’t end well. It wouldn’t make him feel good. It just wouldn’t feel right.
So instead of defending himself, he sighed and put his arms around the strong back, pulling his lover near.
For a small moment Sano hesitated, but then, without any word, he continued what he had been doing: Placing kisses along his jawline, stroking his hips, grinding his growing arousal against his own.

Shinpachi moaned.

He felt hot breath on his neck and suddenly there were teeth biting that sensitive spot just behind his ear. He couldn’t help it, Shinpachi bucked his hips, his hardness meeting Sano’s. Sano threw his head back in pleasure and a lustfull scream left him.
But he quickly bit his lips, remembering to keep their lovemaking silent.
They looked at each other, both panting in unison, trying to catch their breath that had been blown out by the pleasure that surged through them.
„Is this alright?“ Sano asked and Shinpachi knew this would be the only time tonight he would be asking that.
He hesitated only for a split moment.
„Yes.“
A small smiled graced Sano’s lips as he bent down and captured Shinpachi’s between them.

Slowly they undressed each other, enjoying the intimacy of that act, like they never had before, untill they were completely naked in all their glory.
Then, their eyes met.
Slowly a hand went between his legs and two fingers suddenly pressed against his entrance.

Shinpachi tensed.

It was really happening. He was goint to be submitting to Sano and he wasn’t even putting up a fight. He gulped. The fingers probed and Shinpachi gave a startled yelp. He knew it would hurt, he had heard Sano and Heisuke cry out in pain and so he braced himself. Not that he wasn’t accustomed to pain, or couldn’t bear a little of it, but somehow, for some unknown reason, this was different.
Something wet touched his ear and he startled again.
„Relax...“ Sano’s gentle voice blew hot breath int his ear and Shinpachi shuddered a soft moan leaving his lips. „If we are going to do this, I need your assistance. Don’t force yourself.“
Shinpachi tried, but as those fingers pushed a little farther, to his embarassment, a silent whimper left him. He heard Sano sigh against his ear and Shinpachi couldn’t but think that he probably had less complicated virgins in his life. Even if Shinpachi wasn’t really a virgin anymore.

„Look at me, Shinpachi.“

So he did.

Golden eyes locked with his and a shudder went through him. They were intense like the mighty Sun itself. Shinpachi gasped as a surge of want shot through him.
Sano didn’t say anything, just carressed his hair and pushed those two long fingers inside him. It didn’t hurt as much anymore.
Sano kissed him as his fingers wormed their way further inside, stretching him. It stung a little, but it wasn’t as bad and Shinpachi felt himself relaxing more and more.
„Sano...“ he whispered into the kiss and he felt a smile form against his lips.
„It’s gonna get only better, Shinpachi...“

And just like that, Shinpachi believed him.

The two fingers withdrew and something else, something larger and harder pressed against him. But instead of tensing up, he found himself spreading his legs further, squirming in anticipation.
And Sano, biting his lips to prevent any sounds escaping him when the force of pleasure would squeeze him painfully hard, pushed in.
Shinpachi moaned, his whole body heating up with passion, enveloping him whole. It was so vivid and intense, he didn’t even notice, that it hurt a little.

Sano, meeting no resistance, started thrusting deeply into Shinpachi, but keeping a pace slow enough for Shinpachi to adjust to the intrusion. He was being considerate, but at the same time he wasn’t treating him like he could break any time. Sano was really good at this...
And suddenly sheer lust exploaded in Shinpachi and he couldn’t stop the cry of pleasure that broke out of him. He knew what that ahd been, but he never would have thought that it could feel like that...

There was a desperate whimper above him and then there were teeth sinking themselves into his shoulder painfully. It seemed Sano liked how he was feeling also.
Features contorted in pleasure, sweat covering the tan skin, blood full of heat and passion...

I the middle of his daze, Shinpachi wondered, why he had never noticed, how much it suit Sano to be on top. So handsom, mature and gentle, it looked ten times better than the other way around. Somehow he could understand why woman on the streets turned to get a second look and why he was so wanted, even if the Shinsengumi were something akin to public enemies in Kyoto. Because for the one he loved, Harada Sanosuke would bring down the Sun and the Moon, no matter what it took.

Shinpachi cried out as Sano hit his sweet spot again, taking him with those deep and steady thrusts. Shinpachi felt like he was burning, set on fire by the blazing passion, that was Harada Sanosuke. He found himself wanting it to last forever.
Sano was hitting his sweet spot over and over and over and Shinpachi wondered how much longer he could bear it. And yet he wanted it to go on untill the end of time. He didn’t want it to end. But he knew it would come to an end very soon as he felt pleasure building up deep inside him, clenching his muscles and everything inside him...
And a few thrusts later he came, white liquid spilling over their tan skins in a contrast of colors and emotions, when pain met pleasure and everything burst and exploaded untill there was nothing but sweet emptiness. He vagually felt hotness filling him and he heard a cry that no one would be able to supress, a cry of raw and pure, unbound nature as Sano came deep inside of him.

For a while they were just lying there, panting like they had fought a billion of those Choushu dogs, letting their hands roam each other’s bodies, just for the sake of doing something. But soon Shinpachi felt his eyelids growing heavy with exhaustion and the colors and emotions he had felt a few moments ago faded into the dark peacefullness of oblivion.

And then he didn’t know anything anymore.

-x-

Sano regarded the peacefully sleeping Shinpachi next to him. His features were relaxed and he seemed calm. Finally, Sano thought, his partner would get some peace. He just hoped this would make feel Shinpachi better, not worse. But if he was to judge it due to the moaning, Shinpachi had been feeling very good. At least Sano did enjoy himself.
Shinpachi had been very responsive, in a way, Sano didn’t expect him to be. To say, it had been an interesting expierience and Sano knew he would remember this untill his dying day.

He looked over Shipachi again and basked in the image of the sleeping face. Shinpachi looked so calm right now...Sano wondered why he never noticed how georgeous Shinpachi was when he slept. He let his eyes wander as he took in every detail of the handsom face, the strong body, the tan skin, the hands calloused from years of fighting...

Suddenly his eyes fell on something in Shinpachi’s hand. Something white. Carefully, not to wake Shinpachi, he freed it out of the softened grasp and regarded it. Heisuke’s hairband. Had Shinpachi been holding onto it the whole time? He looked at his lover, then regarded the band again. He contemplated throwing it away, but he found himself putting into the pocket of his hakama, with the thought of returning it to Heisuke, once he would come back.

ox*xo

It seemed, that Sano’s ’method’ helped, because after that night, Shinpachi returned back to his normal self. He was goofing around again, joking with their friends, teasing everyone and giving Sano all of his undying attention. Even if it was true, that sometimes he looked like he missed Heisuke, whenever Sano would appear next to him, his face would light up and they would end up in either his or Sano’s room within an hour, tops. Everything was seemingly alright again. Sometimes it felt like the calm before the storm, but for Sano it was all the more a reason to enjoy it to it’s fullest. If a moment of peace was rare these times, then he wouldn’t be a fool to throw it away. Because when the storm came, it came with thunder and lightning, horrible and murderous.

Deep in the winter of that year, he was proven right.

It had been one of those nights. One of those dark, eerie nights, when something clutched at your heart so strong, that nothing remained, but the feeling of helplessness and fear, and no one would be able to understand why.
Sano hadn’t been sleeping well that night, despite having been devoured by Shinpachi since the late evening untill an hour ago. That was what helped him to relax the best, and yet...
He couldn’t get rid of this forebroding feeling of danger taking residence somewhere deep inside his gut. And when Shinpachi opened his eyes, he knew he wasn’t the only one.

„Can’t sleep?“
„Something bad’s going to happen.“

Shinpachi looked at him, eyes sharp and focused.

„Yeah. And I have this bad feeling, that I won’t like it.“
Sano frowned and opened his mouth to reply, but he was cut off by the sound of approaching footsteps.
„Nagakura-san?“ came from behind the closed door.
„Come in.“
„Excuse me.“ The door slid open, revealing Shimada. He bowed in respect. „Hijikata-san wants everyone to gather.“
There was it: the catastrophe came. They looked at each other seriously and nodded.
„We’ll be there shortly.“

-x-

But what greeted them, was out of everything they could have foreseen.

„Saito?!“

„What are you doing here?“
He had left after all. Left along with Heisuke, following that damn tanuki.
„As of today,“ Hijikata spoke „Saito is returning to the Shinsengumi.“
Now, this was really suspicious. Saito wasn’t one to turn like the wind blew. When he made up his mind, he made it up and followed his heart and his beliefs. No way it would change on a whim. Heisuke was the same. They all were the same in this.
Sano turned to Hijikata. „What’s going on here?“
Kondo-san answered his question instead: „Toshi had Saito infiltrate Itou’s group.“
That would explain it. But why didn’t Sano know about it? Wasn’t he the unofficial advisor? He heard Souji’s and Shinpachi’s complaints in the background, but he didn’t really pay attention, still dumbfounded.
„You see, it was top secret!“ Kondou-san said apologizingly. „Sorry I couldn’t tell everyone!“ He gave an embarassed laugh.
Alright then, Sano understood. Besides, he was probably just too used for them telling him everything.

After Chizuru-chan discreetly excused herself and left them to military talk, Saito told them everything he learned. As he progressed, the bad feeling that had been raging in Sano’s gutt the whole evening, intensified. And he didn’t need to look at Shinpachi, to know what look he would see on his face. He too understood where this was heading.

The door slid open again and it revealed Chizuru with cups of hot tea, just as Hijikata spoke the final words: „It’s time we had Itou-san meet his demise.“

„You want to declare war against the Imperial Mausoleum guard?“

„We have no other choice.“ Kondou-san said.
They all knew what it meant, even before Shinpachi voiced it.

„What about Heisuke?“

Silence filled the room for several thick moments.

Finally, Hijikata answered: „We will have to kill him if he attacks us.“

There was a soft gasp from the door and Hijikata stood up, his form leaning slightly forward and his shoulders down, like there was some heavy burden on his them.

„Hijikata-san!“

He violently pushed the rest of the sliding door aside and left slowly and heavy silence reigned the room once again. The topic hung in the air and filled the room with it’s thick essence, suffocating them under it’s weight. And yet no one dared to speak, no one wanted to say it out loud.

Heisuke was their enemy now.

Suddenly Chizuru’s voice sounded through the room, cutting the air like a sword.
„Are you serious? Is everyone alright with this?“
No matter how Sano fancied the girl, she sometimes just didn’t understand... How could she think that everyone was alright with it?

„Of course not.“ Kondou-san answered courtly. „Deep down, even Toshi wants to save the kid.“

The kid. True. Heisuke was always their little kid. Even if he was Saitou’s age, even if he was in fact a man, even if he was in many ways more mature than Shinpachi, who was the oldest among the unit captains, for them he was and always would remain a kid. Their kid.

Kondou-san stood up, Harada following his example. He...They needed to get out. Get out and somehow deal with this whole mess, so that by tomorrow, they could be done and over with it, prepared for the unevitable.
As Sano passed Chizuru, he looked at her and the words he spoke, came from the depth of his heart.
„Everyone wants Heisuke to come back.“
And with that told, he left, Shinpachi trailing behind him lifelessly.

That night no one slept.

The next hours were spent with preparing themselves, and the new day the morning brought dragged itself. Time passed slowly, too slowly. Sano watched Shinpachi closely, readying himself for what was surely about to come – an outburst or a a breakdown of any kind. But nothing like that happened, the whole day Shinpachi’s eyes were focused on the task he had in front of him, like the whole thing didn’t concern him the least.

It made Sano worry.

So he decided to do the only thing that seemed to work against a moping Shinpachi.

That night, he came into his room, fully intent on getting Shinpachi over it. Over his depression. Over Heisuke. Over everything.

He found him sitting on the floor just outside his room, staring into the dark nightsky.

Sano opened his mouth, but then he thought better of it and closed it. Instead, he sat down beside his partner and joined him in watching, letting just his presence provide assurance the other male.
But the comfortable silence soon grew into a heavy one, as the topic hung above them again. They couldn’t avoid it anymore, no matter how much they wanted to.

„Shinpachi...About Heisuke...“

Sano prepared himself, ready for anything his partner would throw at him in an angry fit, be it words, or heavy objects. He expected that Shinpachi would throw a tantrum. He didn’t expect Shinpachi to just sit there not facing him and stare at the pale moon’s light. He didn’t expect to feel a tremble when he put his hand onto the broad shoulder. And what he absolutely didn’t expect was Shinpachi’s azure eyes shining like the deep blue of the ocean’s salty water, as he turned to look at him, so sad and lost, like a child. Another thing Sano didn’t foresee was those two strong arms wrapping themselves around him, clutch at the back of his daimon desperately as Shinpachi leaned on him with his full weight. And all Sano could do was brace himself and hold what was left of the man upright. The last thing he didn’t except were silent, weak words passing Shinpachi’s lips in a broken whisper:

„Save me...“

That was when Sano understood. Shinpachi’s feelings weren’t about wanting to protect Heisuke. They weren’t about mourning him, or wanting to save him. They weren’t even about missing him. No. Nothing of that was about what Shinpachi felt towards Heisuke, because Shinpachi himself didn’t know it. He felt torn. Torn between his current lover and past feelings, those intensity he had underestimated. He had felt more for Heisuke than he had thought. And he discovered it when it was too late. After he couldn’t change anything anymore.
Sano’s grip weakened and Shinpachi kipped forward, right into Sano’s lap. Sano felt him trembling, but he didn’t do anything. The realization of hit him like a wave of icy water, temporarily numbing his senses, filling him with only a feeling of cold emptiness. Shinpachi had loved that kid. And now he felt like he had to choose, except he couldn’t. Because it was too late. So he was left with a choice he wasn’t sure he wanted.
Sano found himself biting back a lump in his throat. It hurt. The knowledge about his lover’s feelings was like a punch below the waistline. Or a sword into the back.
And suddenly he had to wonder if this was how Heisuke felt. Knowing that the one he’s with, loves another. Did he love Shinpachi like Sano did? Or even more? Maybe that was the real reason of his leave, the real reason why he didn’t...couldn’t tell Shinpachi about it. Did he leave them to themselves? Or did he say the truth and Sano was simply assuming things?

He didn’t know.

But, as he looked at the trembling mess on the ground, the once rough and proud warrior, there was one thing he knew for certain: It was worth it.
Everything they had been through in their relationship, good or bad, happy or sad, every moment and breath, was worth it.
And Heisuke had known it.

And finally Sano understood how Heisuke felt.

He leaned down to Shinpachi and put a hand on his shoulder, gently forcing him upright again. Two saphire orbs, shining like the azure ocean, looked at him.
Sano didn’t say anything, just pulled Shinpachi into an embrace.
There was a small intake as Shinpachi drew a breath, ready to say something, Sano assumed to be an explanation, Shinpachi thought he owed him. „I...“
However, there wasn’t need for one. And so Sano did the first thing that came to his mind, he could do to comfort and assure Shinpachi, that everything was alright:

He kissed him.

A gentle touch of lips against lips, sure and there. He could feel Shinpachi relaxing, leaning against him, letting himself be at rest, for once in his life.
The stayed like that for a while, just sitting there on the cold floor, their lips locked in a gesture of assurance and comfort, until Shinpachi chose to break it. Instead he laid his head on Sano’s shoulder, his hair soft against the sharp nose. A shiver shook them both.

„Sano?“

„Hm?“

„Will you hold me a little?“

Sano smiled against the soft strands of brown hair and planted a gentle kiss in them.

„Yeah.“

ox*xo

Not an hour later they laid in Sano’s room, sweating and spent, with just a thin blanket covering their naked bodies.

Sano watched Shinpachi, who was in a light slumber, thinking about how...submissive the other male had been. How he wanted Sano to take him, he had been almost desperate for it. Wanting to be held and lead. Like someone who needed guidance. Sano sighed. He was still such a child.
Even now in his sleep it seemed that the sharp masculine features, hardened with fight and age, softened into a shape that looked innocent and woke in Sano the need to protect, even if he knew, that when the other male woke, he wouldn’t need it, being hard and merciless.
His eyes scanned over the softened features, illuminated by the moonlight, making them glow silvery.
Sano’s eyes suddenly caught something white sticking out from underneath his matt. A sudden sense of misgiving filled him and he reached for it, slowly pulling the object out from the confinement he had put it into several months back. It didn’t belong to him. He always got himself wider and shorter bands. This was long and thin, but strong enough to hold thick, messy hair in place, even in hard fights.

It was Heisuke’s.

Sano remembered the moment when he took it, instead of throwing it away, because he wanted to return it, when they would meet again. Like holding on onto a hope, that was lost long ago. He should have know then and there how foolish he was being. He glanced at Shinpachi. He was resting peacefully, snoring lightly. It was almost as if he didn’t know what awaited them just an hour later, as if he didn’t know about the fight they would be leading, as if he didn’t know, whom they’ll be facing.

Ignorance.

Sano looked at the hairband again, white, long, thin and strong.

He ripped it in half and threw it away, into the darkest corner of his room and with it the foolish hopes from several months ago. Heisuke had made his decision and it was about time for them to accept it.
He looked at the nightsky. It seemed the stars were covered in shadow, like they knew what awaited the world they watched from the heavens tonight.

That was when he heard footsteps approaching his room. With a small sigh he took his spear, in simple acceptance of the decisions that brought this fate upon them.

The door slid open and Shinpachi’s azure ocean eyes opened.

It was time.

He rose to his feet and they got ready together. Before they left the room, Sano turned to Shinpachi and looked him straight into the eyes. Gold met saphires. The shining, ocean was gone, the jewels were sharp and strong. And with one last kiss of assurance onto the rought lips, they headed out, together.

And from the darkest corner of the room, a lost and ripped hairband was watching them lonely.

--------------------------*

Other notes:

1) I have no idea if the piece of clothing Sano wears is actually a daimon, there was no picture. Correct me if you know the right answer.

2) Also, I’m not sure if Shinpachi was really the oldest of the unit captains – at least he was the oldest of those that were featured in Hakuoki. But in Hakuoki there were seven and historically, there were at least ten and I have not found informations of the rest. If you know something about this topic, please inform me.



Previous parts are HERE

Comments

[bakanishimyv.livejournal.com]

this is the first hakuouki fic i've read and i must say i'm glad it was yours that inducted me into the world of hakuouki yaoi literature.^^ there were a few spelling errors here and there (mostly typos though so it's no biggie) but i commend your command of the english language and strong use of vocabulary. it wasn't entirely consistent in the beginning but grew in consistency and delicacy towards the middle and all the way through to the end. story wise i love how you made sano the uke first and then transform him into the seme later on in the story. wonderful character development in just a short span of time, it's really quite commendable.^^ especially cause i've always secretly debated which of the two would top the other and you have given the perfect solution (i, too, had resigned myself to the answer "they can always take turns on each other" xD) i love your descriptive abilities. it's difficult to keep sex scenes fresh and interesting and you've done just that (i'm just so sick of reading 'he stuck his cock into his ass' -_-). i'm going to go read your other works and recommend this to my friends. :3

[manaika.livejournal.com]

You're the second person who tells me that (with introducing you to the world of Hakuoki yaoi), so I guess I gotta be one of the...initiators? Participant of the maiden voyage of the ship labelled "Hakuoki yaoi"? Yes, I am rambling, thank you very much.

You know...you voiced my thoughts. There has been something about this shot that has been bothering me, but somehow I couldn't name it. The thing is, that I was trying something (I'm not sure what exactly though), so this one-shot might be considered an experiment. An experiment I wasn't sure whether it didn't fail.
In the end I decided it didn't, but something kept bothering me. Now, thanks to you, I know what. It felt incinsistent. SOmehow the beginning had a different feeling than the end. Like something broke and changed.
Thanks for pointing it out. ^^

A-ha-ha-ha...Sano-chan... Yeah. I had the trouble too.
You know, it dates back to the beginning of this whole arc. I was writing the first shot ("Be mine") as the first season was running. Back then I didn't think about making it a 30kisses challenge, it was just something I needed to get out of the system. But it kept frustrating me, because I couldn't decide whom to put onto the bottom. Everything in me screamed: "Are you blind?! Shinpachi is the uke, damnit! He acts like an uke, he talks like an uke, he's stressed like an uke, he IS the UKE!" No. Sano's long hair won over all of my rationality and good sense.
Yes, a lost case speaking here, mind you.
The result was, that while I decided that Sano will be the uke, I couldn't write him as such, because he behaved like the seme. So I put this fic away, with the thoughts to finish it later.
Then the second season came, where Shinpachi changes. He becomes more mature. And the the challenge came and I had a whole new motivation and a purpose.
This wanted to be a role-reversal for one of my readers. Sano will stay the uke...but he will top Shinpachi sometimes, just because for me, he stays a seme, even though he is in fact the uke. If that ever makes sense. Lost case, alright. *sigh*
And all fo it because those long red locks...My eternal weakness. What is it with me and long hair? Anyway. Back to the topic.

I know. Unfortunately, there aren't many other ways to say it (and really, it's one small movement, what do I want?), but when I can, I'm trying to avoid the word 'cock'. Somehow it totally kills the mood when I read, or write it.
So thanks for the compliment. Hearing, I succeed makes me always feel a bit more confident! ^^

I should put this onto my webpage as a prime example of a comment. More people should tell me, what they think, the way you did. You pointed out the mistakes, you complimented on the good things, you told me you liked it and to top it all.... *reads the last sentence* you want to recommend it. It's the first time someone told me that. I could cry right now, really. I'm moved.

*hugs you*

Thanks for the comment, from the bottom of my heart.
It really made my day!

(Sorry for replying this late, but when I first read your review, I was totally overwhelmed and I needed to think of a proper way to reply and thank you. I was that moved...So thanks again ^^)

[bakanishimyv.livejournal.com]

ahahaha well i've been well into the hakuouki yaoiness, just that i generally steer clear of fanfics in general because there are just. so. many. bad ones. -_-;;; i feel like reading them would make my braincells commit suicide. luckily i took a chance with this one and wasn't disappointed! :D it's not my favorite couple (i'm still a big advocate for the greatly neglected souji x hijikata couple >3< --if you ever write a fic about them i will go mad with rejoice) but it comes a close second, especially after this fine read.^^

ahh well i suppose years of being a teacher/trainer have made its mark. xDD i don't even critique that way consciously anymore, i only realized when you pointed it out. LOL. well i'm glad you appreciated my feedback. ahh i haven't read the "be mine" fic yet. >3< got preoccupied trading on tinierme. do you have one? you strike me as 'the type'. lol.

also i was surprised to find out your slovakian? how on earth do you speak english so impeccably well?? granted, i'm half european, half asian, neither of which should render me exceptionally gifted in the english language but i did grow up attending international schools middle school onwards so i have an excuse. xD

what i love the most about your work i think is that the characters are not static. they grow and develop just like real people which is what makes it so relateable and realistic. most people just have this image of a certain character in their mind (usually heavily influenced by the way they're portrayed in the series they originate from) and don't venture beyond such one-dimensional personalities.

ALSO (omg will this ever stop? xD) it seems like we're alike in a way because you seem to let the story write itself and let the characters take you through the story rather than making everything fit into your own mindset. and that's why your work is good. also i have a weakness for red haired fiery personality type semes (in fact in a one-on-one i'm doing right now my original character is a red-haired ladies man type of guy (except he's into men xDD)whom i think you'd really enjoy. i just recently created an ex for him (souji >3<) who died of illness, sound familiar? xD)

i'd be honored if you decided to my comment on your website.^^

endpost. LOL.

[manaika.livejournal.com]

Well, there aren't many fanfics yet, since the fandom is young, but it will grow and more fics will come and I'm sure that not ach of them will be crap. Souji and Hijikata is good, I was a fan fo it too, but in the series it isn't that visible. It's more of a Peacemaker Kurogane thing. But I am considering writing one... "Be mine" has a small Hijikata/Souji hint. And I'm flattered to hear I made you fan ^^ I'm always proud if I can make a small fandom grow.

Teacher?! Wow... I wouldn't have the patience... But no wonder you comment so well. You must be a good teacher, fair and all. Wish you were mine as I was on Middle school.
No, I don't. What is that? (No I'm not kidding)

You say that about me, but you didn't hear my best friend yet. SHe speaks ten times better and her grammar doesn't suck. *sigh*
But how come I speak so well? Actually, I'm not sure. I always ha d a gift for languages. I learn them by hearing them and reading them. As I was little I watched a lot cartoon network, I had english lessons since pre-school and at the age of 13 or 14 (I don't remember anymore) I started reading english fanfictions. Then I started writing and it somehow developed. It comes naturally to me.

Kinda like the story. Yes, it's true, though I have never realized it: I let the story write itself. I have a plot and a plan, a beginning and an ending, head and toes if you want, I know how it will progress and what will happen, but... The scenes and the story itself...I kinda never think when I write. I sit down and start typing. And what comes out are the scenes that create the story I planned. So you might be right. Wow. I learn a lot from responding to your comments. Your "teacher-self" shows. You know, you might as well have been born to be a teacher.

As for the characters...that's another thing people keep telling me - that my characters develope and grow, so it might as well be true. But I have to say, I value in characterness. If a character behaves and talks like the actual (borrowed) character from the series, I really bow my head in respect. It's hard to write a character in character, you didn't create. It's more difficult to understand why he acts like he does, if you aren't the creator. But if it keeps staying the same it does get boring, I agree. I'm always trying to understand them and guess how they would react to a situation but also how it would change them.

Thanks for telling me all this. It really makes me feel satisfied with myself and raised my self-esteem a good deal. ^^
And it also helps me realize some things. Thanks again!

Red-haired ladies type into men? Whom does that remind me of...? xD
A guy who died of sickness, poor him...Yeah, well I don't know, whom should it remind me off? Souji? Who's Souji? *whistles*
xDD
I like the idea! Share it when you can!

[(Anonymous)]

yeah hakuouki is fairly new, i only got into it a few weeks ago myself. souji captured my heart from the first instance he appeared. xD in the series hijikata and souji are like brothers somewhat which gives way to a lot of yaoi possibility :3 more than souji x saitou in my opinion. -_- but sano x shinpachi is definitely a bit more obvious and was my 2nd favorite anyways. :DD

lol i no longer teach/train these days though. my new job is in customer service quality assurance which basically means i check people's work and criticize them. xDD perfect~! hahaha

i don't know about the 'good teacher' thing though. while i was a trainer for phone-based customer service i was known as the 'mock caller from hell' xDDD (mock calls = simulated calls to assess the trainees and allow them some practice).

you're like me, then~! xD languages come easily to me. i speak 2 languages fluently, another two on an advanced conversational level, and another 2 poorly but only because i don't spend much time learning them xD

sometimes aside from the story writing itself a scene would suddenly happen in my head, all by itself. i can see it so clearly that all i have to do is put it into words and on paper (or... onto my notepad/word document xD).

if you give me your email address i can send you an invite to tinierme. i think you'd like it. it's an avatar site. the japanese version has hakuouki items but those haven't reached the int'l site yet. once the fandom grows though i'm pretty positive the hakuouki items will be available too~~~ (also that way we can move our correspondence to email LOL)

the good thing about you is that you still keep the original essence of the character, but you show us different sides of them that we've never seen before and allow them to grow. that's what makes your work special. :3

you SHOULD feel satisfied with yourself! lol and keep at it~ you've got a real gift there so you should nurture it (that's the teacher talking xDD)

my character in this roleplay was actually loosely based on gojyo from gensoumaden saiyuki (another fiery foul mouthed ladymagnet red-head xD).


here's an excerpt:

"Aoi-chan~ ♥" Ishihara whipped around, his hair brushing Kei's face.
"Did.. you.. miss.. me..?" Taking a step with each word that escaped his lips he stopped short inches from Aoi's crouched figure.

"Not at all, Ishihara-san," Aoi said with a bright smile, and moved discreetly away from the redhead.
He had once thought that playing along with Ishihara would be easier, though that soon turned out to be a very bad idea.

"You're so cold.." Ishihara grinned as he wiped away an imaginary tear. "And to think I got back here as fast as I could just to see you~"
"You two know each other?" he acknowledged the exchange of words between Aoi and Kei. Eyebrow raised, he glanced back at Kei, "My, my, you do get around quite quickly.... Can I be next?" He winked as his grin seemed to expand.

-------

Ishihara's lips instinctively met Kei's and lingered for a moment. He smirked as he drew back slightly. His lips now inches from Kei's ear he spoke in a low whisper.

"This is what happens when you take away my cigarettes... my lips get lonely."


(I only play Ishihara by the way, Aoi and Kei are played by other people^^ also since this is a roleplay it's more on dialogue than description although i've had my share of angsty monologues too xD) I'm usually the comic relief (and source of fanservice) in most stories because smut and comedy comes naturally for me. =3=

This was towards the beginning of the story. Ishihara has grown HEAPS since then which makes me really happy lol. He feels like a real person to me and he's probably the best character I've ever created (or who ever created himself xD)


tbc.

[bakanishimyv.livejournal.com]

here's an excerpt from the most recent part. Aoi's sick and Ishihara cooked him soup (yes Aoi was very shocked to find out Ishihara had it in himself to cook something that was actually edible xDD)In the middle he remembers nursing Souji before he died, in case it's confusing. =3=


---

"Oi oi oi what's this?!" Ishihara pointed at the half eaten bowl and cocked his head at Aoi, demanding an answer with his stare. "You know back in the Tokugawa era, if you wouldn't finish the food that was cooked for you, the cook had to commit seppuku out of shame to preserve his honor rather than to live with the fact that his food wasn't good enough for people to lick their plates." This was not true. But it could have been.

--

"That's not true...." green eyes pierced through squinted lids adorned with thick, heavy lashes. "....is it?"

"It -could- be. Do you -really- want to find out?" Ishihara's crimson eyes leveled with Souji's green ones and he leaned in so close that their noses almost touched.

The brunette's squinted glare grew sharper, unwavering, but the redhead, too, remained unphazed, a smirk dancing on his lips. "Are you -really- going to perform seppuku right now if I don't finish this?"

"Yes! Yes I will! With this..." Ishihara pushed back and looked around for an instrument to inflict his disembowelment. Anything would do. A letter opener perhaps. Or a... "...teaspoon!" he held the miniscule spoon in his hands perpendicular to his torso in a pre-stabbing position when a pair of cold, damp hands closed over his and soft, dry lips grazed his own.

"I'll eat it."

--

Ishihara pushed the bowl back towards the center of the tray table. "Eat."


loooool our posts are getting longer and longer >3

[minjanna-yaoi.livejournal.com]

You get such great comments so I always feel terrible when I hop in and praise the sex, as if it's all that matters to me. *nervous chuckle* I did love to see Sano top Shinpa very, very, very much, but I also liked the story!

I can easily picture this happening behind the scenes of that particular anime episode and if I put my Souji/Heisuke ship aside, I definitely believe that Heisuke left with Itou because Shinpa and Sano were lovers now. T_T It makes perfect BL sense.

Even if the anime was SAD, I'm glad they got Heisuke back as a rasetsu, what really happened to the kid was too goddamn tragic! There's a JP Shinsengumi drama cut into little pieces on Youtube and I cried waterfalls when Heisuke died. All Shinsengumi captains cried too... I wish I could get the whole epic tear-jerker drama from somewhere and really torment myself. XD

[manaika.livejournal.com]

Did I give the wrong impression? I LOVE it to be praised for a good sex scene. ^__^ I'm sure you did.

Yeah, me too, that's why I wrote it.

*pat pat* Oh the masochism... When you find it, send me the link.